Bad things happen in the world. This doesn’t mean that it
comes from God (I don’t think God meant for this to happen). People at times have the worst things to say
to hurting people, there was an article I read from Emily C. Heath Dealing with Grief: Five things NOT to say
and five things to say in a Trauma involving children that does a great job
with this. She was a Chaplain in the
emergency department of a children’s hospital with a level one trauma center.
This comes directly from her
article, she can say it way better than I could
Here are five
things NOT to say to grieving family and friends:
1.
"God just needed another angel." – Portraying
God as someone who arbitrarily kills
kids to fill celestial openings is neither faithful to
God, nor helpful to grieving parents.
2.
"Thank goodness you have other children," or,
"You're young. You can have more kids."
Children are not interchangeable or replaceable. The loss
of a child will always be a loss, no matter how many other children a parent
has or will have.
3.
He/she was just on loan to you from God – The message is
that God is so capricious that
God will break parents' hearts at will just because God
can. It also communicates to parents and loved ones that they are not really
entitled to their grief.
4.
God doesn't give you more than you can handle – Actually,
some people do get a lot
more than any one person should ever have to handle. And
it doesn't come from God. Don't trivialize someone's grief with a "what
doesn't kill you makes you stronger" mentality.
5.
We may not understand it, but this was God's will – Unless
you are God, don't use this
line.
Here are five
things to say:
1.
I don't believe God wanted this or willed it – A grieving
friend or family member is likely
hearing that this is God's will from a number of other people. Affirm the
idea that it may very well not be.
2.
It's okay to be angry, and I'm a safe person for you
express that anger to if you need it –
Anger is an essential part of the grieving process, but
many don't know where to talk about it because they are often silenced by
others when they express their feelings. (For instance, they may be told they
have no right to be angry at God.) By saying you are a safe person to share all
feelings, including anger, with, you help the grieving person know where they
can turn.
3.
It's not okay – It
seems so obvious, but sometimes this
doesn't get said. Sometimes the pieces don't fit. Sometimes nothing works
out right. And sometimes there is no way to fix it. Naming it can be helpful
for some because it lets them know you won't sugarcoat their grief.
4.
I don't know why this happened – When trauma happens, the shock and
emotion comes first. But not long after comes our human need to try to
explain "why?" The reality is that often we cannot. The grieving
person will likely have heard a lot of theories about why a trauma occurred.
Sometimes it's best not to add to the chorus, but to just acknowledge what you
do not know.
5.
I can't imagine what you are going through, but I am here
to support you in whatever way feels best – Even
if you have faced a similar loss,
remember that each
loss is different. Saying "I know how you're feeling" is often
untrue. Instead, ask how the grieving person is feeling. And then ask what you
can do to help. Then, do it and respect the boundaries around what they don't
want help with at this point. You will be putting some control back into the
hands of the grieving person, who often feels like they have lost so much of
it.
If I could add one more, it would be the person that says, “You might
wonder why would God allows this to happen….Well, God's not allowed in schools.”
I just heard someone say this at a public event with about 100 people around
them. This is awful and bad
theology. We are still protected by free
speech and have the right to be Christian, Muslim, Jewish or Hindu in a public
school.
My heart aches for this school tragedy.
I am continuing to pray for this school and the families.
Have a great day.
