As I strive for
a better life, breathing can be tough. One of the ways I have tried to improve
my health is to focus on getting in better shape. Every week I am usually
swimming between 3-4 days a week and hitting the gym 1-2 days a week. Swimming
is not always easy. One of the ways I improve in swimming is limiting my
breathing. There is a t-shirt that says, “Swimming the only sport where your
coach yells at you for breathing.” I completely understand this t-shirt.
Learning how minimize breathing is part of really good training. Even while
getting better shape and feeling better about my health, I still am struggling
to breathe.
Over the past
year, bitterness and anger slowly entered my life like it never has before.
During this time I dealt with so called church leaders who wouldn’t even act
like I was there. Every Sunday and through the work week I would see these
people and if I didn’t start a conversation with them, they wouldn’t talk to
me. I tested this scenario out. These couple of church leaders, I would
purposely not talk to them and see if they would start a conversation with me.
Six straight weeks went by when I would see these people throughout the church,
they would see me, but say nothing. Once they even went as far to talk and have
a conversation with the person directly behind me for a several minutes. They
never acknowledge me.
After six
straight weeks (Not kidding), I finally said this is ridiculous. Finally I
started to talk to these people again. I conversed with them, but I notice they
never responded. They would answer me, but it was a one-way conversation. I
asked how they were doing, prayed for them and tried to show love. They would
never talk back to me. They never asked about me. During this time twice my
kids were in the ER/hospital. Once my daughter was in the hospital for several
days. It was a scary and tough time. I had other ministers, church leaders and
friends in town that came and visited my family, none came from my own church I
served at (Other then Mark Willham, one of the most amazing men I have ever
known and Kris who was awesome).
Finally the day
we were leaving, the minister at my church visited my daughter. I was so thrown
off by this. The previous year, my son broke out and was red all over. He ended
up staying in the hospital as they weren’t sure what it was. My senior minister
said I hope he is alright but I am not coming up there because I don’t want to
get sick. Later that day another person from our church posted on Facebook
being so thankful that the minister of the church came up to the hospital to
visit them when they were so sick. It was the same hospital we were at. The
senior minister was willing to get sick from a church member in the hospital,
but wouldn’t check on a staff members family. Bitterness, anger and hatred
crept in more and more.
I thought I was
over this, I am in a better place and started to enjoy life more, I was wrong.
There was a fundraiser dinner Hailee and I attended last week. Several of these
church leaders were at this same dinner. That same bitterness/anger/hatred I
thought was gone showed it’s head again. I couldn’t stand even seeing these
people. Some came up to talk to my wife, and I couldn’t even stand looking at
them, I had to walk away. I am still broken. As I struggle God shows me this…
Ephesians 4:2-3…
“Be completely
humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make ever
effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace.”
I have to admit,
I have failed at this. I am broken and have struggled with this. I thought I
was over it, but now see I still am a work in progress. I can’t fix others, but
I can work on me.
Today, I am
going to start working on this and keeping this verse at the center of my mind.
None of us are perfect and I need to focus on being humble and gentle. Keeping
peace is my goal today, how about you?
